Tulsa, you sweet little motherfucker. I love you and I hate you. So beautiful and green and lush and so riddled with violent crime. Flirting with me, pretending that your teensiness makes you so easy to maneuver, but you are full of lies as every goddamn street is under construction. You are a city of detours that become endless mazes which refuse to let me leave. Like Pleasantville, as soon as I reach the end I find I am entering again. A few years I followed a detour that lead me to an on-ramp that didn't go anywhere. It just stopped. I could see the highway in front of me, mocking me. And while I don't like being fucked with, I respect your brass balls. I could go on an on about how gritty yet cultured you are but we are here to talk food. |
| Fuck me gently with a chainsaw this is delicious |
I have often said that Tulsa succeeds better than most cities in its dives. Most people do not see this as a compliment because they are stupid and do not understand the complicated mathematics that surround this statement. It must be both severely delicious and extremely cheap without losing it's "keeping it real" ability. A delicate yet precise equation that dances on such a fine line, it is almost impossible to perfect. But Tulsa does it. Like no other.
Ron's. Best motherfucking hamburger you will ever have. Period. My little Denver burger dissertation would be pointless if Ron's was in this game because nothing can compare to it. Beef meet sausage and cheese. Then meet my mouth. I would die for you.
Cancun. Best chili verde burrito ever. There is no place in Denver like it. No place. I think about it often. I miss it. I wish we could get down on some good mexican food in the Denver - but it doesn't happen. My tongue shames you Denver.
Coney I-lander. A line forms at 10:30am each morning and continues until it closes. The best li'l hot dogs you can find. They are different from all the fancy schmancy dogs in big cities, they are little, yellow and different in the best way. The only way to soothe your sorrow, as I know all too well these past few weeks. Thank you for helping me through my baby mama drama with your processed meat product that comforts as is slides down my gullet.
There are many many many more. But I haven't the space or the time or the linguistic skills necessary so I will end this little run with the greatest fast food chain this world has ever known. Taco (Motherfucking) Bueno. Dear Jesus, thank you for making Taco Bueno. It is the first place I go when I am in Tulsa. The mexi-dips and chips, the muchacos. The fresh pico bar with onions and jalapenos. You are my everything when it comes to fast food. I once heard a rumor that a Taco Bueno opened in Colorado Springs and I was willing to drive the 70 miles just to feel that muchaco sit in my belly like steel for a day. But alas, the dream died when it turned out some motherfucker decided to name some shithole mexican restaurant Taco Bueno when it was in fact not bueno at all. More like Taco Pendejo. And my life was ruined. Until I went to Tulsa again. Then it was saved. Thank you Taco Bueno. You own my soul.
If you happen to read this and think - oh, she likes these so called "dives" because it is all she has ever known in this city and thus, the nostalgia of these places overwhelm her and she cannot see past her own memories, you are a fool. I did not learn about most of these beautiful bastards until I was an adult. I grew up eatin' fancy. Why do you think I love me some restauranting so much. I love fancy restaurants. And yes, I regret that I was 18 the first time I tried Ron's and 24 when I first learned of the greatness that is Cancun. The point of this is not to tell you what I like best but to tell you what Tulsa knows best and that is how to dive appropriately. Sure, I love the shit out of the Wild Fork - I have made their breakfast hash every christmas morning since 1998. It is what Jesus and I like to DO together, but any restaurant can be middle of the road or fancy and be divine - it takes a certain kind of special to make a restuarant cheap and delicious and for reals so thank you Tulsa.
