H to the Izz-OH MY GOD WHERE IS OUR WAITRESS (Burger)

HBurger
1555 Blake Street, Denver

On paper, HBurger appears to have everything one might look for in a late Saturday afternoon burger and cocktail joint. The interior is nice and mod and it is situated in lodo so it feels as urban as you can in this city and it has fun cocktails like wild turkey and fresh strawberry lemonade (which is the most delightful way to combine my love of ladylikes and hard drinking). Unfortunately, this is all a facade.

I incorrectly assumed that having burger in the name, would stress the importance of the deliciousness of the meat that would be placed on my tongue.  And while the bun sufficient and the cheese, fine, there was one major issue that I could not quite get over.  It is the most simple and important aspect of the burger.

Without digressing too much, I will say that after years of debate on the topic of where to find the best burger in Denver I reached the conclusion that its subjectivity isn't based on the complexities that I previously thought but most simply each person's preference for how the beef patty is cooked.  This is a debate from which there can be no winner, like art, its subjectivity runs so deep we cannot logically conclude what makes a person's preference. I think Descartes was referecing this issue when he spoke of the impossibility of understanding another man's mind and what I would assume is the perspective from which he derives thought. And thus, I cannot say that any particular place is better than another, because my preference for a supple and bloody patty of perfection found at the Cricket is so different from someone who prefers My Brothers Bar, or even CityGrille.

I do however, think that we can all agree on the following. When a lady orders a burger rare to medium rare, but receives a burger that is overly well done, her reaction is often as follows:

Is it not the first rule of burgering to cook it to the patron's desired doneness? Why would you give me a well done burger if I asked for rare?  Do you not understand that if someone's response to "How would you like this cooked?" is anything other than - "who gives a fuck", then you should follow that direction? 

This review would have been very different if my burger had not been so crispy.  I would have left feeling positive even though our waitress was the worst of the worst.  A good burger, like superawesomedeliciously cooked beef makes me do things, and accept things that I would not normally tolerate. 

And yes, it is quite possible that the bearer of fault in this game of my despair was the waitress. 

She could not give a fuck.  About my table, about her co-workers, about life, and the pursuit of happiness. She got into an altercation of words with the hostess at one point and it did not look pretty. So, she was either having the shittiest day ever or she is one shitty person.  Either way, it did not bode well for HBurger.  I am sorry dear lady if you were having a bad day.  But honestly, I think if she had said something to us like, yo, I hate everyone today so I am probs not gonna be good just FYI - I might not have left with the same distaste in my mouth.  But she was never around, and I promise you we were looking. Oh and did I mention that for the majority of our visit we were one of three tables, all of which were in our sight so not being able to find her meant that she was not only avoiding us but her other tables as well. afAnd when we did finally see her, she was a total fucking bitch. Like we just showed up at her house in the middle of the night and woke her up and were all - I want an Otter Pop - WELL I WANT A CHEESEBUGER YO - GIMME A COBB SALAD BITCH - Fix me another drank ho!  Instead, I thought we were all quite polite and as my mother would say, very professional in our method of ordering food and drink.  So I think she probably was the culprit.  And I hope that whatever that was, that she was going through, doesn't happen again because that kind of unhappiness leaves a mark on your soul.

Ps- I am lucky that a friend of mine emailed me that video last week. As that is the only way to express a lady's contempt for an incorrectly cooked burger.

À Côté - My Will to Power

À Côté 
2245 West 30th Ave.


I like to think of À Côté  as Z Cuisine's  baby sister. A sassy, pain in the ass, punch you in the face kind of sister who is the most fun, but the kind of fun that inevitably leads to someone getting arrested. Until that moment where those cuffs hit your soft and delicate lady wrists, you are suffocating in freedom from an adrenaline that can only come from something illegal... a fun you have never known and will never relive.

Overwhelmed with passion and love and the warmth of the most romantic of ambiances, I am transported into another time and dimension as I walk through the door of À Côté. Without hesitation, I am compelled to throw caution and even my ladypants to the wind. I forget my responsibilities and stress and work and life and my brain is screaming I LOVE GLAMOUR and my life is perfect and how many minutes will it take me to suck down this Josephine (an incredibly subtle yet stiff little cocktail.)  Tonight the world is without problems.  Tonight I shall live in the glow of light and pate and beautifully cured meats that dissolve on my tongue which would totally give me a mouth boner if it wasn't already erect from the anticipation of my arrival.  It is impossible not to experience happiness in its most pure form, the kind that can only derive from dining in the perfect setting with your dearest friends. This is Denver's little Midnight in Paris, where you are smarter and prettier and more elegant than you have ever been and everyone around you is brilliant and no one makes mistakes or shares regret. For this one night, you have everything you have ever wanted and you want everything you could ever have and your ambition and heart know no boundaries and you know your purpose in life and you understand the meaning of everything.

Even though the food stands on its own as some of the best you can find in the city, it is only one component of this most incredible place, where you know your destiny and you are surrounded by perfection and there is no such thing as wrong and you just wanna fuck everyone's brains out. But you don't because you know that the moment you step outside of those doors and the dizzying joy that previously overwhelmed you fades, you might be kind of grossed out that you let it go that far. So instead, you keep your dignity on your person and soak in this moment. You appreciate what you have in life and think to yourself I can do anything. Why was I being such a pussy before I walked in here?

Because everything is beautiful at À Côté.