Tami's Burger Haven, Boner Arigato Mr. Roboto

Tami's Burger Haven

5380 West 44th Avenue Mountain View, CO 80212
 

Oh Tami, the haven of your hamburgers is a rare exception in this dog eat anus world of the great burger debate.  I think anyone would agree that Tami's is a "no frills allowed" kind of place, nothing more than a room filled with its orginal 50s-era hard on your ass booths and walk-up counter, but to me it symbolizes so much more. Tami understands the concept of getting exactly what you pay for. I spent many years searching the ends of the earth, (meaning amazon and bed bath and beyond and eventually asking a friend, but to me that is dramatic and painful enough) searching for a reasonably priced yet perfectly brewing, coffee maker, which obviously DOES NOT EXIST in the electric form.  Why was this arduous journey so excruciating you ask? Because motherfuckers add so much unnecesary shit like timers and grinders and ball stretchers, which I need not and want not and therefore cannot find the rationale to purchase.  Then the great Oz introduced me to the chemex.  Even thought it takes 10 times as long to make and cannot be done with a mere push of a button, I do not care as not a day goes by that I don't appreciate every motherfucking cup. It is what it should be and does what it should do and doesn't ask me any fucking questions or try to wake me up or take my off my pants.  Its perfection lies in its simplicity, a glass container that makes perfect coffee for me every single day. 

One might say that Tami's is the burger making version of this, a fast and delicious burger sans shenanigans.  Tami does not waste one minute of her time or your time trying to out burger the burger with duck confit or babyback ribs or fois gras (and while I mock them now I would murder you for any one of those right this minute so feel free to tell me to eat shit and die.) Anyway, Tamtam sticks to the classic and simultaneously arrogant 6 inch burger, which my tiny mouth cannot even comprehend. (Etiquette Sidenote for the ladies, I would recommend that you refrain from mentioning to a gentleman caller that as a lady, you have a tiny mouth and therefore cannot open wide enough to eat tall sandwiches etc., as he will never forgive you for unknowingly telling him his peen is teen.) 

   

The only slight possible concern you might have would be the location, which is surrounded by what appears to be a haven for methmaking. But the fact that no other businesses in the area have managed to weather the lean years like li'l Tami and that I assume the fields across the street are filled each night with RVs making shitloads of meth should not deter you.  Just drive swiftly to your parking spot and run inside as fast as your legs will take you, I guarantee you will be invigorated by your brush with death or at least with gross and the 6 inches of hot beef injection will be worth it.

Holy Balls! Los Carboncitos just Mexicame all over me.

Los Carboncitos

722 Sheridan Blvd., Lakewood, CO 80214

Finally! After 10 long and arduous years of soul searching and bucket listing and apocalypse waiting and finally getting around to reading 100 Years of Solitude that everyone has been all it is so good you should read it and me being all don't you know how much I hate Gabriel Garcia Marquez and people being all how would I know and me being all didn't I tell you that I had to read El Colonel No Tiene Quien Le Escribe in Spanish class in high School and that book made me realize that yes, I can memorize words in another language but can I actually put them together in a sentence or understand paragraph structures let alone pages after pages of actual literature NO!?!?!  I AM AN ACADEMIC FRAUD! And after staring at the first quiz of the first few chapters of the book for 20 minutes and thinking I don't know a goddamn word on this page except for the part that says nombre, I got up out of my chair, threw my test away and walked out the door telling myself I would never return, well maybe at my 50 year  reunion and people would ask me, whatever happened to you and I would say, it was Gabriel Garcia Marquez but that was high school and I very much enjoyed living under the roof of  people who paid for food and shelter and so I returned, head in my hands, beaten and I swore I would never read the words of that man again. He who taught me I know nothing. But that was before 20 years of television and unlearning everything I once knew and going from never ever ever forgetting a face to barely remembering what mine once looked like, when it was fresh and sans crows feet and age and regret and remorse and my own quest through the depths of hell and purgatory and eventually the heaven that is the Huarache at Los Carboncitos is complete. Although my guide was less a Virgil and more a friend who accidentally forgot to mention this place in the last 10 years of conversing on a weekly basis about how I cannot find a decent mexican restaurant in the DENVER? And finally she said to me, oh, wait have you been there? I eat there all the time. It is definitely the best. Oh, by far. I cannot believe I haven't mentioned this before.

Apparently, this is a chain of three, but I can only vouch for the 7th and Sheridan location and as I remember my experience with all of my body and soul and my plate filled with so many meats, I think of how sometimes, in order to appreciate some delicioso mexican food, we must face our greatest fears.


the end motherfuckers.