Root Down - And we all say.....Oh, well......I never.....Was there ever?

Root Down

1600 W. 33rd Avenue, Denver, CO 80211

Let's start with the positive. Theinterior is nice and would suffice and there is an incredible patio which makes the outdoor dining experience lovely for people of all ages and abilities. The food is great. Fuck that - the food is delicious.  I was there for dinner a few summers ago and it was wonderful. I had a great time. The table, the people the sun and fun and patioing. I brunched there a few weeks ago and it was a delight.  Apparently the chef/owner loves breakfast and it is obvious.  Mine was divine and I know that my friends were very happy with theirs as well.  I would say on a whole, the food is high quality and worth my time and money. 

I have one question for you Root Down (and Linger since you are the same owner and I know you hire from the same pool). 

Where in the depths of fauxhemian hipster circus hell camp do you find your wait staff?  In all my life (which has been incredibly long  - like dog years long) have I seen suchmistoffoleean  ne'er do wells wandering as they wonder and wondering as they wander around the goddamn restaurant without a care in the world and NOT getting me a bloody mary and not checking to see if my coffee needs a refill. In fact I was rather surprised when I did see my waiter, who (and I am not joking when I tell you this,) was doing some kind of ironic impression of an early 90s Keanu Reeves.  Who has time in his or her day to give a mother fuck about this?  How long does it take these kids to get themselves all gussied up in their little surrealist outfits each morning? And by surrealist, I don't mean it in the - oh these kids are like so totally weird there is no other possible overused word to describe it than surreal. No my sweet innocente. I mean it in the - my waiter, who was literally wearing the Dali mustache, topped off his look with a side-pony rat tail.

A MOTHERFUCKING SIDE PONY RAT TAIL!!!!

Who thought such words would ever cross our lips?

Not I.

Never.

This visual cacophony, much like the exposed sweaty armpits of those drag queens at Bump'n'Grind, made it difficult to swallow the food that sat gallantly before my face. And much like a sweaty drag queen brunch, what might sound adorably hilarious in theory turns out to be mega guh-ross on my table.

I don't care if I sound like a curmudgeon at this point. I have had enough of these kids with their newfangled ideas about whom is serving who?  And no matter what you say kid, I do not believe you that your natural voice sounds just like Snagglepuss.

Je pense que no BITCH.

Stop cavorting around with your grody little mustaches and your I am loved and cared for no matter what attitudes and get me my food before it gets cold. I have better things to do with my time than to care about the fact that you think you are the first person on the planet to discover Fellini films, or that you won the skipping olympics.  I have a job and a mortgage and life and crows feet and yes, sometimes at 10:00am on a beautiful Sunday morn I want a drink and I don't want any of your goddamn attitude thankyouverymuch.

And you thought I was just going to make a jillion Beastie Boys references.



Eating Out Tulsa - Juniper = Extreme Boner Killer

Even the photos suck

Juniper
324 E 3rd St.
Tulsa, Oklahomer

I am sorry Tulsa. I wanted you to have this, I really did.  Unfortunately, Juniper was el sucko.  I think there will be other restaurants that give you the satisfaction that you seek but it isn't Juniper.  

First, a question for Juniper.  Why do you have an open kitchen? That concept is so totally 90s and so loud and gag me. I don't need to see you sweat your balls off while you plate.  In fact, I would rather not have to see you.  Everyone knows you are back there, cooking, so you don't need to prove it to me. It is incredibly unappetizing and very distracting. In fact,  I would rather see the people I came with thank you very much.  Here's a tip, get off that vanity train and close up that kitchen so that I can have a nice meal with my family and not feel like my face is almost touching your sous chef.

Secondly, acoustics aren't an impossible science that no one will ever understand.  So fix it. Bring in a few rugs or shove some drapery in the ceiling.  But don't pretend that having to scream to the person sitting next to you is a normal method of communication.  Don't blame us because you don't understand how sound travels. Yelling and eating isn't glamorous.  My anger is increasing as I type this.  

Finally Juniper, I ask you this. When you read the words herbed gnocchi and market fresh vegetables on a menu what do you expect to see?  I was anticipating something along the lines of gnocchi lightly dusted with some kind of herby concoction plated with fresh and seasonal vegetables.  Doesn't that seem nice?  I thought it sounded like a nice dish and since people had been raving all over town about this place, I was looking forward to something fresh and simple, as the menu promised.

Simple was an understatement.  At first I thought my eyes had deceived me.  But after rubbing my eyes (Penny style) I could see that some asshole slopped a pile of deep fried gnocchi on my plate.  Nothing but brown gnocchi - NOT ONE SINGLE FUCKING VEGETABLE. If I had wanted to eat a plate of deep fried potatoes I would have ORDERED FUCKING FRENCH FRIES! How insulting to me and to the city of Tulsa.  You must think you are pretty goddamn special if you think you can get away with this and we won't notice.   Someone needs to slap your face with a bag of dicks!

And one more minor detail.  A few years ago, I had some friends over for a good old fashioned fish fry -and as you would imagine, one thing lead to another and we deep fried everything we could get our hands on.  A friend of mine came prepared with snickers and brownies and twinkies - and we fried the shit out of them.  And yes, initially - the first bite of each item was kind of amazing, but only because we were drunk enough not to care that everything had a fishy aftertaste because that is what happens when you deep fry sweets and fish in the same oil. But we were drunk and not pretending to be the fanciest restaurant in town.  Why do I bring this up?

BECAUSE THAT IS HOW MY GNOCCHI TASTED YOU LAZY MOTHERFUCKER.

To make a long story short here is my review of you Juniper.

YOU SUCK YOU LAZY FUCK.