Japoix, I have seen you in 10 years and...well, you don't want to know

Japoix - 975 Lincoln Street, (303) 861-2345

Dear Denver, 
Let's get something straight. I have grown tired of your fusion business.  It should not be taken lightly, and like the slider, is everywhere I fucking turn, in this city. Unless you really have created an innovative method of cookery you just look like you were all, one time I worked at this sushi place but got fired so then I got a job at some frenchy place and now I am doing a little of this and a little of that and calling it fusion. Please stop insulting my intelligence by rolling up some steak frites into seaweed and calling it fusion. 

STOP FUSING ME ASSHOLES.

Secondly, Japoix, even though I begin this by saying that your name annoys the shit out of me, I totally dig on your happy hour specials. 

More importantly, I totally dig on your happy hour times. 

4:00 pm – 7:00 pm and 9:00 pm - Close

As much as I would like to say "I'm TOO BUSY READING", 9pm on Saturday = date with me, the couch and Magnum P.I.  Without going into unnecessary explanations,  I think we can all agree his sexiness is ontologically transcendent. From my deceased grandmother to children of the corn, Magnum, (puts the peen in) P.I. I just want him to hold me.  Just for a moment.  PS- I am not talking about Blue Bloods, ratty old Magnum, I want young and short shorts Mag.  All over me.  Anyway, My point is that NORMALLY I AM BUSY on a Saturday night, however, these incredible deals have made me question my rigid yet worthwhile schedule.

For example,  I don't know what an electric french kiss is - but I want it for 50% off!

50% OFF  ALL BEER, HOT SAKE, ELECTRIC FRENCH KISS, THAI

BUTTONHEAD SMASH

50% off all beer isn't some bullshit statement like Linger with its 25% off beer that really means they pour you 25% less beer and whatever I WILL NEVER GET OVER YOU LINGER!

50% off beer is for reals and super great in the deals. 

But this place still saddens me greatly. 

I know what you are Japoix, you are somehow related to Opal.  Like her younger and sluttier sister, who hasn't started showing the signs of aging yet, so much as neglect.

I know that the building Japoix is housed in, the Beauvillon, is notoriously falling apart and the "alleged" luxury apartments were constructed out of adobe and have minutes before they crumble.  The sad condition of this building is obvious in the construction and the design details of Japoix are no exception.  The bathroom door creates the illusion that once open you will be enveloped by glamour and luxury but it is a LIE.  No one cares about this lonely place.  Not one person.  The toilet paper holders have fallen off the walls and no one has bothered to pick them up off the floor.  The locks on the bathroom stalls restlessly dangle as you open and close the stall doors but they are useless. 

So that makes me angry.  To see a multi-million dollar building constructed so fucking carelessly - and to see that carelessness as it travels all the way to the consumer.  It just makes me sad.  Sad for motherfuckery.  I want to punch the owners, architects, project managers, civil and electrical engineers, interior designers, the restaurant owner and even the waitresses and bartenders.  Not one person has the decency to say, we are how we look.  Instead, like the immortal words of Snoop Dog, they whisper, "Ain't no pussy good enough to get burnt while I'm up in it." And yes, that is realer than real-deal HolyField. 

And now you hookers and hos know how I feel.  Good deals but sadness.

I am telling you what this place is becoming.  Like the beginning of those horrible meth commercials - NOT EVEN ONCE GURL. This is Opal's little sister. And Opal looks like shit.

Footnote, I am not confident of the grammatical goings on when making the plural of ho so my apologies.